Confessions of My Own Deficiency as a Potential Husband/Father

Confessions of My Own Deficiency as a Potential Husband/Father

Do you ever lay in bed alone and wonder who will be laying next to you someday? When I get settled into bed after a long day my mind will occasionally wander to these kind of thoughts. I don't know why it does; I suspect that it is because I am a 24 year old single guy with a natural desire be to married someday. Whatever the reason, this happens quite frequently. But, what usually happens next is the scary part for me.

I get overwhelmed with thoughts about how deficient I am as a man to even be married. How am I supposed to take care of a wife? How am I supposed to love her in that self-sacrificing way that Jesus loves the Church? How am I supposed to even meet someone 'good' enough? How could any women ever fall in love with such an arrogant, prideful, self-serving jerk like me? How would I build up the nerve to propose to a woman? And how in the world could I go through a wedding ceremony and reception? That sounds terrifying! And, what if have kids? How could I possibly raise children into adulthood and beyond? Will I remain faithful to this woman? Will I still be attracted to her after 10 years? 20 years? 30 years? What if she dies and I am left alone? What if she dies 3 years in? What if one of our children die? What if I die and she is left alone with our children?

These are all real possibilities and it is most likely that some of them will happen to me. I know myself well enough to know that I can't be the man God wants me to be for my future wife. When I lay in bed and all these thoughts run through my mind, my heart begins to weep because I know that I can't do it.

Truth be told: none of us, man or woman, can do it. Thank God that he has such grace for us in marriage to help us be what we need to be. Maybe all of this is weird to you, but for me it is a profound reminder that I need Jesus. I need a lot of the grace that is given through Jesus. This is like ripping a band-aid off of what I have been pretending to be a scrape but which is actually a mortal wound. But, God comes with his healing touch and assures me that He will carry and protect me, even through all the trials of marriage and fatherhood, to the end.

What fears do you have about being married someday? Or if you are already married, how are you reminded of your need for His grace?